I never understood people who read something they do not understand and then claim adherence to that thing. I never understood people who claim to believe in the Quran without understanding its message. I never understood people who abandoned written evidence in favor of oral opinions.
I am not a saint or prophet nor do I claim any sanctity or prophecy. I am not a reformer or revolutionary nor do I want to be the one. I am not a believer, but I am in the process of building my belief (after it was shaken up and broken down by external circumstances).
After fifteen years of being pseudomuslim and faking belief, I decided to start from scratch. So, I decided to pray to God, instead of doing meaningless gymnastics. Now, when I pray, I hold a paper in my hand. In that paper, I wrote a bilingual prayer. First, I read Arabic words. Then, I read the meaning of those Arabic words.
Although such a style of prayer takes twice more time, for me, it offers a hundredfold benefit. I started to talk to God. Before, I was like a parrot that repeats words without feeling the meaning. Now, I talk to God, I ask God, I have a dialogue with God. These words may sound schizophrenic, and I may be at the last stage of madness, but overcoming the language barrier in prayer made a huge positive difference for me.
Theologians and clerics are going to say that such a style of prayer is unacceptable by God. I am going to answer them that I don't need their outdated opinions.
Quran was first revealed to Arabs in the Arabic language. I repeat it, "to Arabs in the Arabic language" because the meaning of the Quran is primary and the wording of the Quran is secondary. I am not an Arab, and I have the right to understand the meaning of the Quran and pray to God in a language that I understand the best. I do acknowledge that the Arabic language is the vessel and skin that protects the Quran, but vessel and skin are there to "protect", not to "replace", not to "prevent", not to be a "barrier".
Anyway, I changed, improved, adapted, and updated the style of my prayer. It may be a mistake or it may be a miracle for me. Time will show the truth.
-İman isteyen münafık
The link to the bilingual prayer is here:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1p3-bt2WfHL9p0fxTbmhX2hV2gLXrijUp/view?usp=drivesdk
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